Night of the Babysat
by VegaKeep
Summary: In a world where Xander killed Riley while possessed by Dracula, Buffy wants him...dead. However Xander's wife has other ideas.


Disclaimer: Nothing owned by my piddly ass.  
Note: Takes place ten years after "The Zeppo." Also, Faith didn't exactly go bad. Also, this was my second F/X story so please be nice.  
Category: F/X and a few surprises.  
Spoilers: Zeppo, Storytime.  
  
Night of the Babysat  
By VegaKeep  
  
It was a beautiful summer afternoon in the suburbs of Los Angeles. The birds were singing, the children playing. It was quiet, peaceful, and most of all it was safe. It has been said that you should never judge a book by its movie, but sometimes that saying is contradictory. Walking down on the sidewalk of the quiet neighborhood was a young woman in her late twenties. Her eyes were concealed behind her sunglasses but if you were to look at her eyes you would see them looking for something. Oblivious to the stares she received from the men, she finally came to what she had been looking for. House number 182. It was a decent sized home. Two stories, a beige paint job. It wasn't luxurious but then it wasn't shabby. The woman looked at the house, then at the piece of paper she held in her hand, puzzled. The woman then walked down the path to the front door of the house, where she knocked on the door. A moment passed and then the door opened. Just as the woman was about to speak her mind, she noticed that what opened the door was a small child of about five years. He had dark hair and the cutest brown eyes she had ever seen. Before the woman could say something, the child said to her "Hello! Who you?" The woman responded "I'm sorry, I think I made a mistake. Sorry to bother you." The woman turned around and was about to leave and resume her search when a familiar voice shocked her back to reality. "Who is it sweetie?" the voice asked as its owner appeared. The woman froze and slowly turned around to see the homeowner. She was on one knee hugging the child. It was then that the homeowner looked at the woman and gasped. Both women stared at each other silently in recognition. Finally the homeowner broke the silence. "Hiya B."   
"Hi Faith. How have you been?"   
"Five by Five B. What do you want?"   
"It's not what I want Faith. It's whom I want. Where is he?"   
Looking at her son Faith said to him "Go inside Jesse. I need to talk to an old friend."  
"Okay mommy" Jesse said, and he then ran into the house, with Faith gazing back at longingly at her baby. When Jesse was out of sight, Faith turned back to Buffy "Where's who B?"   
"Where's Xander Faith?"  
"Don't tell me you still blame him for G.I. Joe's death."  
Tears starting to come from her eyes Buffy shot back "You weren't there Faith. Instead of leading Riley to Dracula, that traitor killed him. He has to pay."  
"B, how many times do we have to tell you? He was under Dracula's control. There was nothing he could have done."  
"Where is he? Don't make me ask again Faith."  
"He's at work B. He won't be home until 5:30. What are you going to do to him?"  
"He's going to stand judgement. The Council is actually backing me up on this."  
"Anything to keep the Slayer happy huh? I know you'll have them kill him."  
"That's just too bad Faith, but justice needs to be done. Now unless you want the Council to know about you or your children are I'd stay out of this."  
The color drained from Faith's face. It was hopeless now. "No" she screamed to herself. "It wasn't hopeless. I won't let her ruin our happiness." Then she found her exit. "All right," she said "on one condition."  
"Let's here it." Buffy said, surprised by Faith's submission.  
"Tomorrows our tenth wedding anniversary B. Could you at least let me and my boy toy spend one last night together?"  
"How stupid do you think I am? I'm willing to bet that you also want the kids to come as well. You'll disappear and make me look like a fool."  
"Actually, as insurance that we don't skip town B, I was thinking of you holding the kids hostage."  
"Who are you kidding Faith? The two of you will just run out and ditch your kids just like the way you ditched your 'friends."  
Faith immediately moved forward closing the distance to Buffy, then punched her in the jaw. "How Dare You." She said, tears in her eyes. "There is no way I'd abandon my children B. I'd die before I'd let anything happen to them."   
Looking at the sincerity on Faith's face, Buffy said "All right. You can have your evening but no funny business. I'll be back tomorrow." Buffy then turned around and walked away, her eyes gleaming with victory and joy. "Finally after all these years, he'll get what's coming to him" she thought. But Faith sang a different tune. Closing the door behind her she leaned on it with her eyes closed and smiled. The only word that escaped her mouth was "sucker."  
  
They watched the open field like a hunter watches the prairie. Watching for their prey to arrive and he came. Leaving the protected shelter he was in their prey nonchalantly moved on the field towards his destination like a lamb to a slaughter. Then five beasts beset him. They tore at his legs, hindering his movement, for past incursions had taught them that he couldn't deal with all of them at once. "Daddy" one cried with joy. "Daddy, whatcha bring me?" another cried. The sheer amount of sugar in their little bodies easily overpowered their father and he toppled on the grass with them still clinging to him. He wasn't angry but amused. This was something he looked forward to everyday. Something that was denied him when he was young. "Faith HELP" he cried out, laughter in his voice. "HELP."   
From doorway of the house boomed a commanding voice. "Okay you guys knock it off. Daddy hasn't greeted me yet." Xander's face lit with joy when he heard his wife announce her intentions to him. Faith walked from the porch to her fallen husband. She then crouched and kissed her husband on the lips with such tender love that made other couples envious. After a few moments lip locked, Faith then broke her greeting to her husband of nearly ten years. Smiling at Xander, Faith then looked at their children who had gotten off their father. Smiling evilly, Faith said "Ok, now you can tear him apart." Xander never had a chance to say anything as the kids pounced on him.  
  
Following dinner, the Harris's endured once again the exhausting ritual of putting the children to sleep. It never failed. The kids always put up such a fuss when it came to sleep. When it was time for the kids to take a bath, the entire house became a bust of activity as a result of a large-scale game of hide and seek. Either parent would search for the escaped child while the other bathed the found child. Following the kid's bath, Xander and Faith would tuck in the kid's following their bedtime story. After the children fell asleep, Xander and Faith would openly discuss between themselves their day. It was this that kept their love strong. No secrets were kept from each other.   
"So how was work today?" Faith would ask teasing him.  
"It was good honey. Did you enjoy bathing the kids?" he said.  
"What do you think? Your kids drenched me." She shot back angrily.  
Xander closed the distance to Faith. "Hey, if you want me to bathe the kids, why don't you go back to the Stakehouse. They prefer your cooking to mine anyway."  
Faith stood face to face with her husband, rage on her face. "Ha. I'm surprised you haven't burned our restaurant down to the ground yet. If it weren't for me, you'd still be living in your parents basement!"  
"You know what Faith."  
"What?"  
"You're beautiful when you're angry." The anger drained away from Faith's face and once again they locked lips. Their tongues fought for supremacy until Faith finally broke it off, gazing away from Xander.  
"Faith what's wrong?" Xander asked in concern.  
Whispering, Faith said, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is-"  
"You want to get implants like Buffy?"  
Scowling, Faith said, "Buffy came by today. She knows where we are."  
"I hope the good news is we won the lottery and are moving away tomorrow."  
Smiling, Faith said "Even better. Looks like we'll be able to enjoy our anniversary after all thanks to her."  
Confused Xander said, "What do you mean by that love?"  
Her smile deepening, Faith said "She'll be babysitting the Devil's Advocates."  
Xander smiled as well. "You're evil. You know that?"  
"Moi evil?" she said innocently.  
"This'll be interesting."  
  
  
Faith continued to pace back and forth in the parlor, worried out of her mind. She wore a comfortable green dress that modestly covered her frame, but let much to the imagination. Her hair, which was normally tied at the back of her neck, was dangling down. He was already half an hour late. What if Buffy decided to go against her promise? It wouldn't bode well for her that's for sure. "Tonight better not be ruined. I've gone to too much trouble just to let it get shot to Hell over a misunderstanding." she thought. "Oh well, at least the kids are behaving" she glanced back to the living room where the kids were quietly watching "Wrath of Khan." "Oh stop stressing," she thought to her self. She then began to move towards the living room and sat down to watch the movie with her babies, kicking off her black pumps. "Might as well do something to pass the time." A little later, right when Khan's worms made their way into Chekov and Terell's ear, the front door opened with a loud creak that nearly gave Faith a heart attack. "Honey I'm home."  
"DADDY" cried all five children, running at him. Xander picked up Jesse and held him up with his left arm, and it was then that Faith appeared in the hallway was surprised as Xander handed her a bouquet of flowers he picked himself that was in his right hand. Xander believed that Faith was just to good for him to just buy flowers for. By picking the flowers himself, he showed her that he truly loved her. It was just cheaper to buy her ready-made flowers. Her disappointment at his tardiness melted away once she saw those wild flowers.   
"I suppose this answers the question on where you were."  
"Am I forgiven?"  
"I didn't say that. Now go get ready."  
"Your slave hears and obeys" he said as he went upstairs.  
"Mommy what's a slave?" asked Sarah.  
"I think it's some one who works." Alex answered for her.  
Before Faith could say or do anything, the doorbell rang and Faith's heart froze. "Go watch the movie" she said to the kids. Walking slowly to the door, she grabbed the doorknob and opened it, revealing Buffy Summers. "Come in B" she said.  
"All right Faith. So where is he?"  
"B, please now is not the time."  
"I want his assurance that he won't even think about making a break for it."  
"Buffy, I assure you that me or Faith will not make an attempt to escape you."  
Buffy turned around, and was momentarily speechless by what she saw. Standing in front of her was a complete stranger. He was really well built and wearing black slacks' with a dark blue shirt. Draped on one of his arms was a black sports jacket. She stared at him with her mouth open, trying to place where she had seen him before. It was when she saw the silver ring on his finger that she realized that it was Xander. He walked up to Faith and placed his arm around her waist. "If we don't return by midnight, you can do what you want to the kids."  
"I almost believe you Xander."  
"Believe what you want Buffy. I am a man of my word."  
Seeking to diffuse the tension Faith called to her little darlings, who all came piling out of the living room. The children discovered long ago that when mommy called you listened. This unwritten rule applied even to daddy. Faith then introduced Buffy to the children. "This is Ms. Buffy Summers munchkins, your babysitter for tonight. I expect you to be on your best behavior tonight."  
Buffy just looked at the children and waved her hand at them saying "hi," while she looked at them more intently. They all had dark brown hair just like their parents, but apart from that they all had a distinct characteristic that made them different from each other. The oldest, a nine-year-old who was introduced as Alex had a buzz cut haircut. The next one was eight year old Sarah, a tomboy who probably took after her mother. The twins were of particular interest to Buffy. Seven-year-olds Nick and Eliza both wore eye glasses and stared at her, as if analyzing her. Jesse, the baby just held his arms out to her. This puzzled Buffy.  
"He wants you to pick him up B" Faith said smiling.  
"Oh. OK" Buffy grabbed Jesse with both arms and hoisted him up, a smile on Jesse's face.  
"I promise I'll return Buffy."  
"Make sure you do Xander, for their sake."  
"B, just so you know there's a lasagna in the oven. It's their favorite and it should be ready in half an hour. All you need to do is get it out of the oven for them. Bedtime is at eight for all of them. They can watch the TV as long as it's kid safe."  
"Jeez Faith, you act like I don't know how to care for kids?"  
"When you become a mother you'll understand."  
"Don't worry, they'll be ok."  
"Thanks B."  
It was then that the Harris couple exited the door and headed for their car to begin their night out on the town. Buffy just looked at the car quickly diminished in size as it traveled down the street. "When does mommy and daddy come back?" Jesse asked.   
"Not for a while dear" she said. Buffy closed the door and went to join the kids who went back to watching the TV in the living room. Alex was lying down on his stomach on the floor while the twins sat on one side of the couch next to each other, watching the movie intently. Sarah sat on the other side of the couch, looking at her instead of the movie. Sarah then patted the vacant cushion in the middle. "This'll be easy," thought Buffy. Still holding Jesse Buffy carefully sat down on the couch, then a strange sound came out from beneath her. All five children looked at Buffy, and then Jesse said "Ewwww" and he began to pinch his nose while Sarah fell off the couch laughing onto a rolling Alex. Placing Jesse on Sarah's empty spot, Buffy got off the couch, then lifted her cushion revealing a prank whoopee cushion under it. "Kids" she thought as all five kids continued to laugh hysterically.  
  
"Don't you even dare touch that blindfold Xander. I mean it" Faith seethed.  
"What gives Faith? Why a blindfold?"  
"I don't want you to ruin the surprise. Every anniversary you give me a surprise. I think it's about time I returned the favor so if you as so much as touch that blindfold sugar I won't hesitate to kill you no matter how much I love you."  
Deciding to change the subject, Xander casually asked her "So how do think we'll find our home when we get back?"  
"I'm expecting to find our angels sleeping sound asleep in a empty house."  
"That'd be a surprise. Buffy never was a pushover."  
Faith just laughed as she continued to drive. After half an hour Faith stopped the car then coldly told Xander "Keep that blindfold on buster" as she exited the car and opened Xander's side. Helping him out of the car she guided her blind husband through a doorway, stumbling on the steps. Then he actually missed a step inside and Xander fell to the floor. "Let Faith kill me but my curiosity is killing me," he thought as he removed the blindfold, in a very dark room. "Faith" he shouted. Turning around Xander banged his leg into something muttering "OW." Xander then heard multiple laughs in the darkness, and then the lights turned on with a room full of people shout out "Happy Anniversary." Looking intently at the room, Xander recognized where he was. It was the Stakehouse. He turned around a came face to face with his wife. "Why? How? Why?"  
Smiling, Faith answered his questions in a whisper "We've never had our friends share in our happiness. Besides you dope didn't it also seem strange to you that Kate arrested you for possessing firearms that you practically spent the entire day downtown?" Xander's eyes widened. "As for celebrating here, why not? What's wrong love?"  
"You set that up?" he said incredulously.  
Faith nodded "So what do you think?"  
"What do I think? Come here" he said as he grabbed her arm. Whispering into her ear he said, "It looks like I'll have to spank you when we get back home for being a naughty girl."  
Faith's eyes sparkled in delight. It was then that she led Xander towards their dining booth, where they sat alongside Angel, Giles, Spike, Anya, Wesley, and his wife Kate, who was just getting up to go fresh her self up. Kate looked at Faith and asked if she would like to come, which she did. They went to the ladies room, where makeup was place and Kate said what was on her mind.  
"So Faith, how did you and Xander meet?"   
"We meet in Sunnydale."  
"That's your hometown right?"  
"His hometown. I'm from Boston. After a vampire killed Sarah, my watcher I came to Sunnydale. At first I thought he was a geek. Boy was I wrong."  
"How many orgasms did he give you?" another voice said  
Faith's face turned red as she turned around "Anya! What are you doing here? What about Spike?"  
"Guy talk and I don't know anyone else here so I just came here. Faith giggled to herself. Even after ten years as a human, Anya still didn't have a complete understanding of human behavior. At least she couldn't use that as an excuse to pursue her Xander anymore like she used to.   
Pressing on the topic, Kate said "So when did you realize that Xander wasn't a geek?"   
"The night he came to my rescue. He was feeling really down because his friends considered him a liability, the guy who was useless. To prove them wrong, he borrowed his uncle's car and tried to help us out. But they all felt that he was getting in the way. It started when I was attacked by a real tough demon. The bitch dislocated my arm, and I would have been a goner but then from out of nowhere Xander came and collided with her, while telling me to get in. He saved my life that night. I was just so worked up that night. I mean I nearly die then an almost complete stranger saves me and suddenly I get this feeling I can't control and it happens."  
"What happened?" Kate asked intently.  
"We devirginized ourselves."  
"I thought you guys had sex?" Anya asked.  
Disregarding Anya Kate said to Faith "I thought that Xander wasn't your first. I overheard from Angel that you had slept with plenty of guys."  
"Speculation." It was then that Faith's voice tone changed, becoming softer, quieter.   
"Does Xander know?"  
"He's never asked but he was my first. When I was younger I was a tomboy. Add this to an alcoholic mom who constantly told me when she was sober how evil men were and how they were after one thing. My first boyfriend nearly raped me on our last date. I told him I wasn't ready but he insisted."  
"Typical male behavior " interjected Anya.  
"What'd you do?"  
"Learned that leather boots and groins don't mix. Anyway, the next day my boyfriend went around bragging to everyone how he scored with me. We broke up after that but there was nothing I could do to squash those rumors and before I knew it, I had guys everywhere asking me out now that I was available and easy. This just made me become a FemaNazi like my mom because I saw that she was right. Guys were a joke."  
"FemaNazi?"  
"Just think of me of being like Anya. Hating all guys. I no longer had any respect for guys, and it became well known but even that didn't deter them from me."  
"But what about what you told Buffy?"  
"After I arrived, the vampires Kakistos and Mr. Trick told Buffy a lot of things about me. Since everything I had told Buffy and her geeks seemed to be lies, why not continue the charade on subjects never touched by her? Anyway, when we got to my motel room, Xander's all worried the demon chasing us. I in the meantime turn to fixing my dislocated shoulder. I hurt like hell, but I wasn't going to show weakness in front of Xander. I asked him to hold me and boy was he confused. In his hormone filled mind, he probably thought I meant to hug me. To tell you the truth, even I wanted that but I was afraid. I then reached and took his right hand and put it on the upper part of my left arm. Once he held me steady I reached up with my other hand and grabbed his jacket for leverage. Then I pulled my dislocated shoulder back and jerked it forward snapping back in place. But I was still hyped about my near death experience so I decided to toy with him. But of course one thing led to another and before we know it, both of us had our clothes off. With my tough approach to everything, I was in control. Dominating him, controlling him but he was so unlike all the other guys that tried to dominate me."  
Intrigued, Kate asked "How was he different?"  
"He was gentle. He treated me like a person and it frightened me."  
"What did you do?"   
"I kicked him out of my motel room."  
"What?!"  
"Good going girl" Anya said cheerfully.  
"It was nothing like that. I was scared, but it was nothing compared to what I felt after I began to fall in love with him."  
  
Dinner for the Harris children went off with out a problem. Half an hour after Xander and Faith left Buffy pulled the lasagna from the oven and set the dinner table for the children. She was amazed at how big Alex had grown since last she saw him back in the days when they all got along, before Riley died. It was just painful to see the children with the realization that she could never have the tranquil life G-String and the clown had. They were all happy so together. But the silence was broken when Alex and Sarah began to squabble over who would get to their cup filled with the last of the soda. Okay, maybe it wasn't tranquil after all. Seeking to diffuse the situation before it exploded into something else; Buffy got up and headed for the refrigerator, where he got another two-liter of Pepsi. Returning to the table, Buffy placed the two liter bottle on the table, opened it and began to pour some into the children's cups as well as her own. Then she sat down, hearing and feeling something squishy as she sat down. All five children began to howl in laughter as Buffy got up from the seat and saw the plate of Lasagna that had been placed on her seat. "All right" she screamed out angrily "bath time." To Buffy's surprise the smiles on the children's faces changed to expressions of horror and they all ran from the kitchen, splitting up and heading for different directions. Looking at the swinging door as her anger drained Buffy said to no one in particular "Was it something I said?"  
  
Faith, Anya, and Kate exited the restroom and headed back to the booth. However upon arriving there, the girls noticed that there was no one seated there except for a very bored Darla. "Where's Spike?" Anya demanded.  
"He and the boys went to the bar. They'll be right back."  
Anya walked away heading towards the bar muttering "He better not be cheating on me." As she arrived at the bar, she saw Angel, Spike, Wesley, and Xander lounging on the stools. Spike was busy talking to a red headed girl. "Spike! What are you doing?" she said angrily.  
"Anya" he said casually. "Have you met Bethany yet?"  
"Bethany? That's the name of the girl you're cheating on me with?"  
"Whata you mean by cheating? I ain't done no such thing. She works with Angel."  
It was then that Bethany chose to speak. "It so happens that I'm seeing David Ms…"  
"Emerson. Anya Emerson." She extended her hand. "I'm sorry. Girl's gotta protect what's hers."  
Bethany smiled and shook Anya's hand. "I understand." Anya then sat down on the empty stool between Spike and Xander.  
"So pet, anything interesting happen while you were gone?"  
Proving that she was the Queen of Tactlessness, Anya nonchalantly blurted out to Spike "Oh, Kate was just curious how Faith and Xander got together, and how Xander was her first sexual partner." Before Anya could say anything else, Vodka was spewed on her from a surprised Xander.  
"Xander you doofus you ruined my dress. Why'd you spew all that on me?"  
"Really now luv?" Spike inquired with an evil glee. "Xander was Faith's first shag?" It was then that Angel appeared, attracted to what he heard, smiling. He looked at Xander and said to him "So, have the two of you done the Wild Mambo yet?"  
Joining in the game, Spike said "How about the Hunka Chunka?"  
"The Naked Leap Frog? No wait how about the Horizontal Tango?"   
"The Beast with two backs?"   
Anya, still drying her self said "Have you two Six Nined? It is quite enjoyable."   
Shaking his head laughing, Angel continued to tease Xander by saying "You like using the table to play' doctor Xander?" It looked like Xander was ready to squirm, until Spike ruined it with that mouth of his.  
"Xander, have you two played Rectal darts yet? Or tried the Snowball fight?"   
The grin on Angel's face melted, turning into a display of disgust. There are some places you don't go when talking about sex. But his smile returned when Faith's (what did Cordelia call him again? Oh yeah) Zeppo decked Spike hard in the face, causing him to topple off his barstool and onto the floor.  
"Bloody Hell! Can't ya take a joke Xander?"  
"Spike" Angel sternly said, "You went to far that time."  
Before either could do anything, Xander walked away from everyone, the last thing he saw was Bethany asking Angel how to do the Wild Mambo so she could try it on David.  
He started making his way back to the booth they were all sharing. He really needed to talk to Faith. But when he was one booth away, he heard laughter. It was Faith and Kate's laughter. He decided to sit down in the booth next to them out of their sight. He needed to talk to his wife in private. He rested his head on the booth cushion. It was then that he unintentionally began to hear their conversation. Try as he might he could not avoid drowning it out. "So" he heard Faith say, "how long?"  
"Eleven weeks."  
"Does Wesley know?" Faith asked excitedly.  
"No, it's a surprise."  
"Oh he'll be surprised."  
"So what's it like Faith. Being a parent?"  
"It's a wonderful experience Kate. I can't explain it, but you feel it when you care for your child,"  
"I can imagine, but how is it really?"  
"Well, simply put being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time."  
"Yeah, I've heard how they pounce Xander everyday like Dino and Fred."  
"Yeah," Faith sighed warmly. "Those tykes love that man more than life itself, and you know it's funny in a way."  
"Oh, how?"  
"When I was carrying Alex, Xander worried whether he would be a good father for our baby. Xander was especially concerned because of the father he had. He worried so much he never got to sleep. So far he's done a good job."  
"What makes you so sure of that?"  
"Because my children aren't showing up at the front door with Aunt Kate and flashing lights."  
"True. Very true."  
"Kate, children by nature are mischievous. They may misbehave but they can know right from wrong if you raise them well. Well, this is true most of the time. But they can be the darndest things."  
"Oh how? From what I sometimes hear, it's amazing you still have your sanity."  
Smiling, Faith said, "Okay, you know me and my Zeppo were married on the 8th of July right?"  
"Duh, that's today and it's already been ten years."  
"Did you hear how we spent our fifth anniversary?"  
"Angel said he was a cheapskate and took you to Chuck E. Cheese."  
Xander winced at that comment, but Faith was ready to defend her Zeppo.  
"Actually it was more then that. You see children can be very observant. Alex was four at the time, and Sarah was two. Xander and me were exhausted from caring for the newborn twins. Well, Alex told Sarah that today was a special day for mommy and daddy. They ended up causing a fire in the kitchen. I of course was angry with them. I was so mad I raised my voice to them, demanding to know what they were doing. I mean, how couldn't I be? They nearly burned down the house. The poor dears were in tears and wailing uncontrollably. You should have heard them. "Don't be mad mommy. It was a surprise." They were trying to make us breakfast in bed. French Toast and Egg, but they ended up torching a cooking pan. After giving them a lecture on fire and safety, Xander decided that we should show Alex and Sarah our appreciation for their little surprise attempt. That's why we were at Chuck E. Cheese."  
  
"This doesn't make sense," thought Buffy. "How can something so loud disappear without a trace? I mean, I'm the Slayer, able to fight vampires and demons. I shouldn't be able to lose five noisy kids." After announcing to the kids that it was bath time, all five had just vanished. Buffy was forced to conducting a room to room search of the house. Not even her Slayer senses were of help. As she crept down the hall, Buffy froze as she heard a slight shuffle. Again she heard it, and traced it to the bathroom. Very clever, if you want to hide from someone, hide where you're least expected to be. Creeping towards the bathroom, Buffy noticed the door was opened a tiny bit. Grinning in triumph, Buffy opened the door and stepped inside the bathroom and stopped as she felt cold water splash her from above and heard a metallic CLANG sound on the floor as a bucket hit the tile. It was then that she heard childish laughter that was drowned out by her growling. She silently counted to ten, but was distracted as all five children rushed her! No they weren't rushing her; they were making a break for it. Quickly Buffy kicked the bathroom door closed and held it there, as she finally got the best of the children. "Bath time" she announced with a sadistic smile. Cries of anguish erupted from all five children as they realized that even with a babysitter they couldn't win out against a bath.  
  
Buffy was still glowing from her victory over Xander and Faith's children. Following their baths, the children became docile like slaves. It took little effort for Buffy to get them to dress into their pajamas and into their rooms. The children, for obvious reasons had two rooms. Sarah and Eliza contently shared one room while Alex, Nick, and Jesse engaged in turf wars for the beds in their rooms. She had already put Sarah and Eliza to bed without incident, but it was the boys that gave her problems. Buffy had just finished putting the girls to bed and entered the boy's room right smack into the middle of a brawl. Jesse and Nick were both teaming up in brawling against Alex for the larger bed. "OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH," yelled Buffy. But the kiddies continued to wrestle for the bed. "HEY, ENOUGH ALREADY" Buffy yelled once again. But rather then getting what she wanted, Buffy heard what she least expected.  
"You're not our mommy so we don't have to do what you tell us to do" spoke Nick. Then the boys returned to their fight for the biggest bed. Buffy was shocked. It now seemed pretty obvious to her that the clown and G-String were real bad parents. Not even Oz, Willow, and Tara's children were like this. Trying to keep her temper in check, Buffy moved to the center of the brawl, and scooped up Jesse and Nick in each arm. Then she placed each boy in a bed, covered each with the sheets and then headed for the door. "Go to sleep or I'll give you another bath" she warned. Buffy then turned off the lights and was about to close the door when Alex blurted out  
"Buffy, don't be dysfunctional!"  
Buffy froze as if more ice water had been thrown on her. She glared at Alex then said "Good Night," closing the door. After a few moments of silence in the dark room, Alex's excited voice broke the silence.   
"Okay, we've found another word we can use on mommy."  
  
"So Faith, when did you fall in love with Xander?" inquired Kate  
"Please do. It'll settle a long standing bet." Darla said  
"Long standing bet?" Faith said surprised.  
"Everyone at Angel's has a bet on how and when Xander snagged you." Darla clarified.  
"Oh" Faith said intrigued. "What's your bet?"  
"The night you first had sex."  
"Well I hate to tell you Darla but you're wrong."  
"Okay, but I think I do deserve to know the answer now that I'm out" Darla said half pleading, half demanding.  
Looking over at Kate first, Faith wondered whether she should say when.   
Over in the next booth, Xander was on the edge of his seat. Faith had told him when he won her heart, but she had never told him why she fell in love with him. To Xander knowing that Faith loved him was enough for him.   
As if she could no longer carry a great weight on her shoulders, Faith spoke.  
"When we first 'made love' I was already half in love with him. I mean, he was an overall nice guy, even though his friends sometimes treated him like dirt. But that didn't get to him. Despite his bad home life and uncaring friends. He was always cheerful despite the pain. He was also the first to accept me for who I was when I first showed up in SunnyHell. Not once did he try to change or measure me up to Queen Buffy like the others did. He of course wanted me but he couldn't really do anything about it. He was already dating Cordelia at the time."  
"I heard from Wesley that he dated her for a year" Kate said.  
"Well when I heard I was kind of happy about the break up. But neither one of us took the lead after the break up, or anything else after we had sex. Then I accidentally killed the deputy mayor." The last sentence was a whisper.  
Kate exploded "YOU WHAT?!"   
"It was an accident" Faith retorted. "Buffy and me were slaying vamps and he just jumped from the shadows. I didn't know."  
Kate was all cop now "But you killed a man" she said quietly.  
Coming to Faith's defense, Darla said, "It was an accident. You're a cop Kate; you of all people should know that mistakes happen. And if you're thinking of arresting her, arrest me as well."  
"Why would I arrest you?"  
"When I was a vampire, I killed countless people."  
Kate looked at both of her closest friends, then she remembered someone saying, "don't mix your life with work problems" At last Kate said "Don't worry, I heard nothing."  
"Thank you" Faith, said.  
"You can thank me by giving me every detail on how Xander snagged you" Kate said.   
"Well anyways I was in denial, then I tried act like nothing happened, then I tried to pin the blame on Buffy. To Giles, that was bad, and they of course tried to talk to me. But I of course wouldn't listen. I refuse to acknowledge I did anything wrong. It was then that Xander decided that he should talk to me. He hadn't let anyone know what we had done or that he wanted to talk to me."  
"I'm surprised he didn't go around bragging what you two did."  
"Just goes to show you not all guys are complete jerks. I can't believe it's been ten years, but then again you don't forget these things. I was trying to pass off like nothing had happened, so I was watching the tube in my motel room when I heard knocking on the door. I was a little annoyed so I got up expecting Queen Buffy and open it to see Xander. I was taken by surprise, but I didn't want to show it. So in a bored tone I said "What? This ended up making Xander go completely awkward. The big dope managed to mutter out "I just, uh, came by to see how you are, actually." I was getting sick of people asking me that, and I let him know. After that, a moment of silence was between the two of us, then Xander asked if he could come in and talk to me. I sure hoped that he wouldn't try anything and I let him know that. He countered by demonstrating to me how weaker he was than me by pointing to his biceps. Well, Xander always was tenacious, believe me I know so I stepped aside and told him he had five minutes. Xander's response as he came in was "That's all I need. For talking and conversation. I'm, um, quick as a bunny."   
But I wasn't really in the mood. I turned of the TV and said, "Clock is running."   
  
He of course wasted no time and told me what he knew and said that I might need a friend. I told him to talk to Buffy, and lied about her killing the guy. He just said he already heard that version. Form the way he made it sound like, everyone was taking Buffy's side, again. Then Xander went on saying how it was just an accident, and that's the important part. I was getting pissed. Here I thought that he was trying to help me, not his Queen Buffy. I shot back insisting Buffy was the accidental murderer. I'm telling you girls, with how Xander is, I'm surprised he isn't a psychologist. He went back on the offensive by saying that half the time, I don't even know I'm doing. Okay, to impose that I am out of control really riled me, so in a mocking tone, I said to him that he was living proof of that. I may have liked him at that time, but nobody has the right to point out my faults."  
"Gee, that doesn't seem to stop you from pointing out his flaws."  
"Darla, he's a guy and I'm a woman. It's our sacred duty to point out their flaws. So as I was saying, Xander knew what I was trying to do, so he danced around the subject and got down to the point and indicated that he would be at my side. I immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion. It was just like my mother said. Guys will say and do anything to get what they want. So I went back to acting like I know what I'm doing. I said that what he really wanted another taste. I was feeling disgusted with Xander. Hear I thought that he wasn't like other guys but it turns out he was no different. Of course Xander tried to deny it by refusing. But I knew he really did want me, even if he said "No, Not like this." I grabbed his head and asked him how. With the lights on or off and with or without bondage? That's when he pulled away angerly saying "NO Faith. I came here to help you, not to take advantage of you. Your too decent to treat like that." This made me speechless. Nobody had ever said to me before, that I was decent. I let him go on talking and our five-minute talk stretched into two and a half-hours with him convincing me that I did matter, and how there was a solution out of this. Then that twit of Kate's husband came crashing down with Council thugs."  
  
The hunters crept through the jungle leaving silence in their wake. The lead hunter stopped his group at the foot of some cliffs with a wave of his hand. Signals that only they could understand were flashed and the hunters all dropped to their rear ends quietly, and began to move down the cliffs. Less than five minutes later, the hunters finally made it to the bottom. More gibberish was exchanged between the hunters, with the final words told by the leader being "Remember what Khan said about the Klingon proverb "Revenge is a dish best served cold." Well, it's very cold at night." The leaders answer were nods, and they headed for the caves, where they came into the lair of the object they sought. The dreaded Ogre Queen! Luck was with the hunters. She was asleep, which made it easier.   
"Okay, everyone remembers the plan right?"   
More nods.   
"Okay let's do it." The three smaller hunters retreated while the two remaining hunters closed the distance between themselves and their prey. They crawled on their bellies to where the Ogre Queen slept on her rock bed. The two hunters finally were right behind the Ogre Queens head, where her long golden hair was draped over the edge. The female hunter then smiled as she grasped at the scissors that were under the rock bed. She then began to cut away at the hair while the lead hunter held his breath. Five minutes passed but the Ogre Queen didn't awake, which proved that she must have had an exhausting day. Finally, most of her beautiful, long golden locks were sheared, making it look as if her stylist was an alcoholic. The giggles were suppressed, and the lead hunter smiled at her handiwork. "Great job sis" he whispered, now for the fun part." It was then that the smallest hunter returned with a class of ice water.   
"Double trouble is ready" he whispered.   
"Okay, everyone get in place" the leader returned. The female hunter and small hunter complied. Once they left the cave, the leader thought to himself "If this doesn't work, maybe I'll see if there's an afterlife." He then dumped the water on the Ogre Queen's face, and ran to the cave's edge just as the Ogre Queen yelped in surprise. Her hands immediately flew to her drenched head and failed to clench at what wasn't there. Her green eyes glanced at the cave floor, and were shocked at seeing her beautiful hair sprawled there on the cold floor, and became aware of the laughing from the cave's edge.  
"ALLEEXX," she screamed at the top of her lungs as she saw her attacker, "YOU'RE DOG MEAT. COME HERE."  
"NO" screamed back Alex, as he ran for and out the front door with an enraged Buffy Summers in hot pursuit. He ran on the grass and turned at the house's side to the open door at the wood fence, and into the backyard. Just then Buffy exited the front door in a blind rage, already seeing herself explaining to Xander and Faith how a Hellhound or Werewolf tore him apart before she could do anything. It was then that the house's sprinklers came on, soaking Buffy yet again for the third time in a night. "The little $%@# planned this." As she ran towards the back door, she noticed Alex dragging himself on the floor inside the house. Her eyes sparkled with delight as she realized he had probably sprained his ankle. "So much the better" she thought as her eyes focused on that desperate face full of fear. It was then that she felt something connect with her legs and before she knew it, she flew headfirst towards the floor. Before she lost consciousness, she became aware of five things surrounding her and the words "We're going to be in BIG trouble" and the response "When are we never in trouble?" just before darkness fell upon her.  
  
Kate said "Wesley told me how Xander terrified him that night, but he never told me any of the details."  
"Lets just say that Xander wasn't too pleased when he said I was to be taken for retraining."  
"So what did he do Faith? Did he kill the unit? Beat them?" Darla inquired.  
"You'd be surprised what he's capable of when he's properly motivated and recalls his soldier personality."  
In unison Darla and Kate said the same response "What?"  
"I'm not saying anything else. Ask Wesley and Angel. Both witnessed what he did that night. After that, he made an ultimatum with them. They were to leave me alone and he would retrain me. If I didn't gain control in a year then I would freely return to the UK. The field leader didn't have much of a choice, especially since his throat was being slowly crushed."  
"What happened after that?" Kate asked eagerly.  
"We began dating" Xander said as he came behind his wife, placing his hands and caressing her shoulders. "Miss me?" he said to Faith.  
"Of course not buster. All we did was talk about you for the past hour. You act like you'll die if we're even separated for five minutes" she scolded him.  
Xander's mind searched for the perfect comeback, then smiling he addressed Darla and Kate "Say, has Faith ever told you about her behavior when Alex was being born?"  
Darla and Kate's faces lit up with mischief when Faith growled. She then said "You even breathe that story and you'll be camping in the yard for the next three months with out a tent, let alone a sleeping bag."  
"Okay you've lost this one," thought Xander, "but there's still forgiveness." Reaching out his hand to her he said, "May I have this dance?" while giving her his most loving smile. The one that not even Faith, despite her tough girl exterior could resist.  
"I never could stay mad with you when you give me those sad eyes," she said, taking his hand and rising from the booth, "but you're still not off the hook." They made their way to the dance floor where the DJ began playing Enya's "Only If…" It was slow song, and so Xander and Faith slow danced.  
  
When there's a shadow, you follow the sun  
When there is love, then you look for the one  
And for the promises, there is the sky  
And for the heavens are those who can fly  
  
If you really want to, you can hear me say,  
Only if you want to, will you find a way  
If you really want to, you can seize the day  
Only if you want to, will you fly away  
  
Da, da da da, da da  
Da, da da da, da da  
Da, da da da, da da  
Da, da da da, da da...  
  
When there's a journey, you follow a star  
When there's an ocean, you sail from afar  
And for the broken heart, there is the sky  
And for tomorrow are those who can fly  
  
If you really want to, you can hear me say,  
Only if you want to, will you find a way  
If you really want to, you can seize the day  
Only if you want to, will you fly away  
  
Da, da da da, da da  
Da, da da da, da da  
Da, da da da, da da  
Da, da da da, da da...  
  
When there's a journey, you follow a star  
When there's an ocean, you sail from afar  
And for the broken heart, there is the sky  
And for tomorrow are those who can fly  
  
If you really want to, you can hear me say,  
Only if you want to, will you find a way  
If you really want to, you can seize the day  
Only if you want to, will you fly away  
  
Da, da da da, da da  
Da, da da da, da da  
Da, da da da, da da  
Da, da da da, da da...  
  
If you really want to, you can hear me say,  
Only if you want to, will you find a way  
If you really want to, you can seize the day  
Only if you want to, will you fly away  
  
Ah! Je voudrai voler comme un oiseau d'aile  
Ah! Je voudrai voler comme un oiseau d'aile, d'aile...  
  
If you really want to, you can hear me say,  
Only if you want to, will you find a way  
If you really want to, you can seize the day  
Only if you want to, will you fly away  
  
"Hard to believe it's been ten years Faith" he whispered.  
"Xander…can you be honest with me?" she whispered back.  
"Of course I can." He responded. "You always could tell when I'm lying."  
"Yeah, all it takes is my evil eye."  
"If it's about the Twinkies it wasn't me. You and I both know you'd…hurt me if I touched them."  
"Damn right" she said smiling, "You're not off your diet until I say so."  
"Faith, it's not like I'm overweight" he pleaded.  
"Listen buster you need to watch what you eat. Besides, five kids on sugar is bad enough. I don't need six."  
"Why do I even try?" he groaned.  
"Because determination against impossible odds is your specialty. But back to the point, why did you marry me? Was it because of Alex?"  
"He would have happened sooner or late."  
"Then why?"  
"You listened to me, and you could identify with my family life. You never believed me to be useless like the others and as time passed, I realized that it wasn't Buffy that was my soulmate, but you."  
Faith's eyes opened wide, and a tear emerged from her eyes. "Are you serious?"  
"If I wasn't, then the past ten years have been a waste of your time. If you think I married you because Alex needed a father, then after ten years you've finally misjudged me. I know you didn't go to prom with me because no else wanted because you were pregnant just like you know I didn't take you because you the only one that would go with me."  
Faith was speechless and the only thing she could do was throw her arms around his neck and match her lips with her..soulmate.  
  
It was around 3:30 AM when the Harris's finally returned home. The only light that could be seen from outside was the living rooms. Taking a deep breath, Xander put the key to the lock and opened the door, preparing to see Buffy take him into custody for her justice. But she wasn't there. "The house is still standing," he commented to a distraught Faith. "Looks like Buffy was tougher then you thought" but this did not amuse Faith.  
"Xander, we made a deal. She watches the kids, and then she takes you. But I don't want her to."  
He wrapped his arm around Faith and pulled her close to him. "It's all right," he said while looking into her eyes. He then walked with her to the living room where without a doubt Buffy was. "I'm sure if I talk to her I can..See her tied up"   
"What?" was Faith's reaction and she too looked at the mighty Slayer tied to the sofa.  
Her hands were tied together and her arms bound to her sides with duct tape. Her legs were hog-tied together as well. In addition, she was tied to the sofa by some rope. They also noticed that she had an uneven hair cut. Her mouth was gagged with more duct tape and…she had a beard!?  
Closer inspection showed that bits of Buffy's hair was taped to her face making it seem that she had facial hair, her eyes were wide open as if in a trauma and there were headphones on her head. Xander reached for the headphones and removed them. He then listened to what was playing on the headphones, hearing Celine Dion sing.  
"What happened?" Xander asked, knowing the answer.  
Buffy did not respond to him. Instead she slowly motioned her head to Faith and stopped as if in recognition. Then she spoke, "Are, are those…monsters always like this?"  
Sympathy was on Faith's face. "Yes, but mostly Xander is singled out."  
At hearing this, Buffy began to laugh. But it wasn't a happy laugh. It was the type of laugh heard from someone who belonged in a mental ward. "Then I've changed my mind. Death would be too easy for Xander. No, watching these…demons is far worse."   
"Buffy, relax" Faith suggested as Xander untied her.  
"Faith, don't take your eyes off of them" she whispered. "They're thinking isn't human" Buffy insisted.  
"Let me drive you to Angel's Buffy" Faith insisted.  
"No I'm okay," Buffy said, "really. Goodbye Xander" she said with glee as she walked to and out the front door. Once Buffy was gone, Xander and Faith immediately ran up the stairs. There was no telling what Buffy may have done to the kids that led to her being tied up. Xander checked the boys, while Faith checked the girls. Once Faith saw that nothing was wrong and she closed the door.   
"Faith, look at this" Xander called to her in a low voice.  
Faith's maternal instincts overwhelmed her, thinking that something had happened to her babies. But she was grabbed by Xander before she could slam the door open.  
"Faith its all right, just look" and Xander pointed…to Jesse sleeping so peacefully with his arm around his teddy bear.  
"How cute" she said smiling, "Don't they look like angels?"  
"Only when they're asleep" Xander responded as he closed the door, then lightly shouted in pain "ow, what was that for?"  
"You know perfectly well why."  
"Well if you don't mind me getting away from the abuse, I'm going to lock up." Faith was about to open her mouth when Xander said, "I won't go near the Twinkie's Faith."  
He then went downstairs and locked the front door. What he next did was quietly creep towards the living room and made his way towards a vase. He then carefully lifted the plastic plant out of the vase and from inside he produced a pack of Twinkie's. While some men hid booze, he hid Hostess. He knew time was of an essence as that Faith might get suspicious so he quickly scarfed down the two Twinkie's, smiling that he could still outsneak his wife. Xander then replaced the plastic plant to its proper place and made his way back up the stairs and into the bedroom. He saw that Faith was already asleep so he quietly started to disrobe. It was then that he felt some kind of cord around his neck and he collapsed to his knees. He then felt himself yanked up and what he saw what has wielding the cord left him speechless. Gone was the kind and loving wife he grew to adore. What was in front of him was a sultry woman in black pants, red tanktop, and wearing a black brimmed captain's hat.  
"I told you you weren't off the hook lover. I was thinking of giving you a lap dance on the house to demonstrate to you what I've learned from a certain stripper I know but you just had to be a bad boy and eat those Twinkie's. Did you really think I didn't know where you hid them? Did you? Now what should I do to show you how disappointed I am with you?" she pondered while Xander was squirming. The Night of the Babysat was over but the Night of the Sado Bitch Queen was just starting.  
THE END  



End file.
